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Evolution makes me look like a dick

Over the course a billions of years, evolutionary biology has worked such that Humans are one of the only known mammals to ambulate in a bipedal fashion, which is to say we prefer, if at all possible, to trudge around using only two peds (pronounced "peeds", "ped" being the latin for "the end of your legs"). This gives us a feeling of massive superiority over all the other species, who have their faces close to the ground smelling who-knows-what, getting all of their limbs dirty. Meanwhile, we have our heads held high.

That said, and I would never dream to question evolution, it's an absolute bastard to walk in the snow.

The entire notion of bipedal motion (which sounds like a very poor Lil' Wayne lyric, I know), the balanced required, shifting weight from front to back, is all based on the idea that when you put one of your peds on the floor, it stays in the same spot where you put it. It doesn't move two inches forward, shifting your body weight and making you look like a drunk toddler.

The best case scenario in that situation is that you look slightly foolish. The worst case scenario is that you, as a fully grown and semi-functioning adult, actually fall down. And I mean really fall down, like Oliver Reed was re-animated and entered into the reality show Dancing on Ice, but hasn't been given coffee and a bacon sandwich to sober up. They just strapped some skates on him and sent him out there.

Which is how I looked this morning. And falling down was not the worst thing. No, the worst thing is that, as a man standing at 6 feet 3 inches, weighing 13 stones, what did I shout as I fell? Was it a manly "FUCK!" or "SHIT!" or even the classic standby "BOLLOCKS!"?

No. As I fell, surrounded by other adults, I was heard to exclaim "WHOOPS-A-DAISY!".

God, I wish I could use all four peds.


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Idiots on a Plane

I've been fortunate enough to have had a column published on

It can be found here:

Many thanks to Kat Hannaford for throwing it on the front page.