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Showing posts from 2013


No-one making any noise. 
No-one wanting to know if they can have more cereal.
No-one asking if they can play with the neighbour boy who has ADHD and wants to marry them.
No-one exuding a cacophony of cries and spluttering after hitting their hand on a bedside table.
No-one walking beside me who can't rid themselves of the hiccups.
No-one asking "Daddeee..." (drawn out for full emphasis and to gain maximum attention), "...if the moon fell to earth, but landed on a spring factory, would it bounce away further than when it started?", a question to which "Daddeee" simply doesn't have a reply through both astonishment and stupidity.
No-one alleviating my pangs of guilt after standing on a snail by telling me "It doesn't matter. That was Larry the Snail and he didn't really do anything anyway".
No-one being grumpy because 9.00 pm is too early for bed and they aren't tired and it's still daytime in American anyway, despite bein…

My daughter knows me so well.

Last week, I was out with my daughter and some friends and my daughter decided to draw everyone's picture and give it to them as a present.
Most of them were really, really good. 
This was mine:

I can't decide whether this is how she sees me and she thinks I should confess that I have messed a lot of things up, or whether she simply messed the drawing up.

I Can't Stress This Enough...

Seriously. Stop it.
We've all been there.
You're standing with a group of people at a party (not good friends - acquaintances at best) and you're halfway through an undoubtedly fascinating anecdote about when the girl in the office said she thought Stonehenge was a kind of way to cook a pizza when a knowing, and completely slap-able, smirk crosses the faces of a happy couple standing side-by-side in the Annoyance (which is the correct collective noun for a group of half-strangers thrown together at a party - look it up).

An "Annoyance" of Acquaintances
Simultaneously, they say into each other's eyes (literally, they say it into each other's eyes) "I'll bet he keeps his tent clean!" before sharing a sickening, saccharine giggle and giving each other an "I'm going to die with you and there is nothing I can do about it" eye-embrace.
But it goes on. They aren't happy being enveloped in their cocoon of self-imposed reaction-limitatio…

Idiots on a Plane

I've been fortunate enough to have had a column published on

It can be found here:

Many thanks to Kat Hannaford for throwing it on the front page.

The Swear Box

Somtimes, swearing is completely justified
It has been decided by members of the office in which I work that we will be installing a "swear box" into which we must put one English pound every time we are deemed to have used an expletive.

I won't be joining in. I love swearing. I refuse to acknowledge that it's offensive in every situation. It's all about context. It is possible to swear and not cause offence, as well as it being possible, shock horror, to cause offence even without swearing.

I wrote this blog entry a while ago, explaining how vehemently I disagree with trying to ban swearing, and my thoughts since that time have not changed one jot.

I don't see why swearing is so frowned upon when there are so many other more offensive things being said. I'm not even talking about purposefully aggressive or demeaning comments. I for one cannot abide anything said without being given the proper forethought. "Think before you speak" is a vital pa…

Evolution makes me look like a dick

Over the course a billions of years, evolutionary biology has worked such that Humans are one of the only known mammals to ambulate in a bipedal fashion, which is to say we prefer, if at all possible, to trudge around using only two peds (pronounced "peeds", "ped" being the latin for "the end of your legs"). This gives us a feeling of massive superiority over all the other species, who have their faces close to the ground smelling who-knows-what, getting all of their limbs dirty. Meanwhile, we have our heads held high.

That said, and I would never dream to question evolution, it's an absolute bastard to walk in the snow.

The entire notion of bipedal motion (which sounds like a very poor Lil' Wayne lyric, I know), the balanced required, shifting weight from front to back, is all based on the idea that when you put one of your peds on the floor, it stays in the same spot where you put it. It doesn't move two inches forward, shifting your body w…